Pisma Ziti
Meandar Media, Zagreb 2020.
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U veliku, staklenu čašu iz Lidla ulila sam jeftino francusko vino i sjela za stol. Do podne sam napisala zapovjedi i onda sam otišla do kopirnice na uglu naše ulice da ih isprintam. Uvečer (bilo je tiho, bilo je kasno) zalijepila sam ih na ogledalo pored njezinih.
Pisalo je ovako:
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Ja sam ja sam ti sam on sam ona. Ropstvo je u nama i treba ga prigrliti. Nikad nisam bila u Egiptu, ne želim vidjeti piramide ni jahati na devi.
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Ljubomora je najtužniji osjećaj. Naši nas preci gledaju dok spavamo i zahtijevaju da ih iskupimo. Ubojice se traže čekajući da ponovno napadnu.
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Izaberi riječ i živi po njoj. Izaberi samo jednu, jer više ti ne može stati u usta. Psuj po volji i stalno, psovka oslobađa i nasmijava.
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Subota je nedjelja, a nedjelja je lipanj. Mimoze mirisom zavode ljude, svim danima, radnim i neradnim.
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Otac nema vremena. Majka traži krivca za život koji joj se događa. S tim se ništa ne može učiniti. Poštuj to.
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Ubij ih, sve! Stalno ih ubijaj, te demone koji te slijede u stopu. Odreži im uši, prste i nos i gledaj ih dok krvare i mole. Ostavi im oči, da vide nemilost koja ih je snašla.
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Ljubav je plastična vrećica s tvojim srcem. Izvaži je da znaš omjere kad Sunce uđe u Bika. Mora biti al dente i na laganoj vatri poprimati boju krizantema.
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Ukradi u snu nečije cipele i zakopaj ih u zemlju, probudi se u hladnom znoju dok na televiziji emitiraju tvoju sliku i cijelom svijetu govore da si kradljivica.
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Kad majka nazove i pita jesi li jela, reci jesam. Kad pita, pušiš li, reci ne. Kad pita kako si, reci dobro.
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Ne druži se s ljudima koji samo razmišljaju što će odjenuti, to je pakao koji će te otjerati u smrt, prostituciju i siromaštvo.
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Ujutro, moje su zapovjedi bile iskidane na sitne komadiće papira i izmrvljene u lavabo. Ružem za usne, Rivoli 21, pišem joj patetičnu poruku na našem ogledalu – volim te Zita vrati se tako ti Boga.
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Nakon toga nestaju sjene, zvuk vode i sva priviđenja koja su me radovala. Kamo god krenem, vidim slovo Z kako hoda prema meni. Pušim više no inače, jedem više no inače, spavam manje no inače, subotom plešem u lokalnom kafiću s umirovljenim kapetanom bez kose. On mi se dere u uho – kako to misliš ne voliš Pink Floyde?!
Prije nekoliko mjeseci Zita je od jednog prijatelja dobila na dar plišanu ovcu i nju je prije spavanja grlila ozbiljnije i jače nego što to čine djeca. Jednom mi je rekla da joj je najdraže kad ovca u snu promjeni položaj i ujutro joj, prislonjena od iza, čuva leđa.
Letters to Zita
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I poured cheap French wine into a wine glass I bought in Lidl and sat at the table. I finished the commandments by noon and then went to the copy place at the corner of our street to print them. In the evening (it was late and it was quiet) I glued them next to hers onto the mirror in the bathroom.
This is what I wrote:
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I am I am you am he am she. Slavery is within and should be embraced. I have never been to Egypt, don't want to see pyramids, don’t want to ride a camel.
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Jealousy is the saddest feeling. Our ancestors watch us as we sleep and wait for the redemption we may bring. To catch a murderer, you need to wait for another attempt.
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Pick a word and live by it. Pick only one - more than one cannot fit your mouth. Curse whenever you want, it’s liberating and makes one laugh.
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Saturday is Sunday and Sunday is June. Mimosas use scent to seduce people on all days, both working and non-working.
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Father has no time. Mother is looking for someone to blame for the life that’s happening to her. Nothing can be done about it. Respect that.
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Kill them, kill them all! Those demons that follow you around. Cut off their ears, fingers and noses and watch them as they bleed and beg. Leave their eyes untacked, so they can see the ruthlessness that befell them.
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Love is a plastic bag with your heart. Weight it, so you can use the right measures when the Sun enters Taurus. It needs to stay al dente and while simmered on low heat get the colour of dandelion.
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Love is a plastic bag with your heart. Weight it, so you can use the right measures when the Sun enters Taurus. It needs to stay al dente and while simmered on low heat get the colour of dandelion.
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When your mother calls and asks if you eat, say you do. When she asks if you smoke, say you don’t. When she asks how you are doing, say fine.
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Don't hang out with people who only contemplate on what to wear, it’s a road to hell and it’s not even paved with good intentions.
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In the morning my commandments were torn to pieces and thrown into the basin. With lipstick number 21, named Rivoli, I wrote a pathetic message on the mirror: For the love of God Zita, please come back.
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Afterwards the shadows disappear, just like the sound of water and all the apparitions that enraptured me. Wherever I go I see letter Z walking towards me. I smoke more than usually, sleep less than usually, eat more than usually. On Saturday, in a local club, I dance with a retired captain with no hair. He yells to my ear: Not a fan of Pink Floyd? Whatchu mean by that?!
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A few months ago, Zita got a present from a friend. A plush sheep she used to hug during sleep - she did it stronger and more serious than children do. What she liked the most, she said, was when the sheep changed position overnight, so in the morning, she’d found it behind, watching her back.